I am happy to say that I finally received two rejection letters to jobs I applied too. Some people may be confused about why I am happy about this, so let me explain. As some people may remember, I graduated back in May and I had been applying to jobs like crazy. From some of those jobs I have not heard anything from, which can honesty be dishearten because you don’t know if you did everything right or offer you any feedback about things to improve on. Plus you can start to feel that you are failing. However, it’s when you get a rejection letter that you feel a sense of closure and that you may have not been ever been given. Also, a rejection just tells you that you are on the right path. I always believed that for every bad thing, something good always follows. So I am going to keep going and not settle. That’s would i would like to challenge anyone reading this, keep going and smile.
As 2017 ends, I believe it is important to reflect on everything that has happened. I have been truly blessed over this year. This year I graduated from college, got a new job, learned more about myself and so much more! I know my blog has shown that I have gone through a great deal of changes, but I had to take a moment to question why I decided to write this blog.
I first started Khadijah’s Journeys because I wanted to write about my law school experience. About my successes and failures of applying to law school. That experience had more negatives (not writing but applying) than positives. The only positive thing that occurred was me getting accepted into my Master’s program. But it was not until after going through a horrible break up that I decided to try again about writing a blog. This time my goal was and still is to tell my story about going through graduate school with hopes of other people, especially women, know that someone understands. I understand that you stay up late at night crying about assignments, finances, your dreams, your goals, family, friends, relationships and so much more. I have cried over these things and still did not understand how I made it through the end of the semester. My goal is to make sure, the person reading this understands that they are not alone in this graduate school journey nor the journey after it. I along with millions of other people go through this. I created this blog for the woman who does not know what to do and just needs to see her feelings expressed in a public platform. This blog is for the woman who is crying over family troubles and they do not know the best way to reach out for support. This blog is for the person who does not know where to turn at 3am and just needs to know someone who has struggled through the same feeling.
For 2018, I will continue this goal and bring forth the issues that face people in graduate school and even after that. The issues do not stop when formal education ends, rather they continue. While most of them cannot be eliminated but it can be helpful to know that someone is going through the same problems. And possibly learn of new ways to handle these concerns. So here’s to 2018, bringing in a another semester and learning how to elevate to the next level of life.
If this blog speaks to you or you are just interested in learning some of the struggles that one may face with change or even how I cope with depression, please subscribe. Also feel free to leave a comment or reach out to me. Most importantly smile, even if it is to your-self or in the mirror.
Throughout my life I have never chosen the right man nor has the right guy chosen me. According to many people, that is how one get to find their prince charming by going through several wrong ones to get to the right one. Honestly, I have been going through the wrong guys since I was fourteen, when I believed I had found the one. He was my first “real boyfriend” and I loved him. But he told me he did not love me anymore. I was devastated, but I never gave up on finding my prince charming.
The final guy that I tried to have a serious relationship with, who honestly inspired this change, made me feel as though everything was my fault. He would constantly accuse me of lying or cheating on him. We had not been together long but he always made me feel as though I was sick or I was lower than him. I honestly never felt so low in the month of getting to know him. When it ended, I was honestly shocked for about half a day and decided to move on. Then a week later I was depressed and did not understand why I was attracting guys who were not what I deserved or wanted. That’s when the idea occurred to me that it’s not them, but its me. The reason why I say it was me because I saw the red flags of their actions and yet I ignored them. I knew that things would not change and yet I hopped they would. So, I decided to make a change for the better. I made the decision to not date for a year. This means no dating apps and if a guy asks me out on a date I must decline. If a guy were to ask me for my number then I can give it to him, but once it starts crossing into the potential dating scene then I must tell him that I am not pursing a relationship at this time. I have now been doing this for almost four months and I have learned so many things about myself. Here are the four things I have learned thus far during these four months.
1. The strength of my intuition: I have always ignored the little voice in me because I thought at times she would be wrong. Quite the contrary, the bad feeling or little voice was always right when I needed it to be. I always wanted to see the best in people, when my intuition was telling me to run. Since choosing not to date, I have learned to get fully connected with my intuition and begin to heal the abuse that I gave that little voice by constantly silencing it. I now fully understand how powerful that voice can be and the great impact it can make.
2. I’m unique: I know many people may think, well so am I. However, the uniqueness I am referring to are the things that make me different. I have always tried to compare myself with others and it has constantly failed me. Over these past four months, I realized that I am beautiful in my own way and the things that I was ashamed of people wished they had. By accepting me for me, it helped to unleash a great amount of confidence that I did not realize that I possessed.
3. I am in control: Throughout my dating life I have always dated guys that could be at times manipulative. When I decided to be single four years ago I wanted to take back control of me. However, I did not take control back until four months ago because I was not making myself a priority. Yea I was living my life, but for most of that four years, I was hoping to find a man that would be my missing piece. I was only taking control of a portion of my life. Now I have a grasp on my entire life. I am living it for myself and not allowing people or a man try to take a portion of it. I’ve learned a man who truly wants the best for you will add, not take away and destroy.
4. The importance of change: change is honestly the hardest part of life I have had to deal with. However, it is essential. By choosing not to date, I’ve made several changes. I started wearing contacts, going to the gym and going out by myself to enjoy my life. Even though in the past I have gone out alone, the difference is I do not get the feeling of I wish I had a boyfriend. I did all this for me and no one else. I have lost some people along the way, but I gained so many more. I am happy, which is all that matters at the end of the day.
This has been my journey for the past four months and I am enjoying it. My advice to anyone reading this is do what makes you happy no matter what anyone says. Be sure to smile and be magic
On the 20th of each month I weigh myself. But from this past November 20th, I put on a few pounds. However, I was not sad, rather motivated to keep going and to learn some new habits. The most important lesson that I learned was even though I am working out in the gym, I cannot just eat anything that I wanted. I realized that my eating habits get bad when I am stressed out. For the past few weeks, I have been stressed over school. But I was excited for the thanksgiving holiday because it is a time for reflection, thankfulness and food. I was nervous about the food part because I know that sometimes (and often in the past) I would over eat. Plus considering that I put on a few more pounds, I did not want to add more fuel to fire.
The day before thanksgiving, I had to give myself the holiday pep talk. It went something like this “I know you want to indulge and eat more than portion size, however think of the time you ate a donut the day before you worked out and your felt as though you were going to die. You don’t want that feeling again”. This was the talk I had to give myself and it worked. Now honestly, speaking I did eat a tad bit more of portion sizes, but I did not eat as much as I would have in past years. To me that’s improvement. I had not fully believed that it had worked until I went shopping today and tried on a dress. Now something you should know about me is I am a frugal 22-year-old, but there was something about this dress that was calling to me. When I was looking at the dress it, in a way, spoke to me and said try it on. I thought I would not have been able to fit it, but my heart was telling me to try it on. So, I did. And I smiled the whole time while I was in the dress. Now I believed that I could not fit it because I usually could not fit a 14/16, but this time I did and I’m glad I tried. So, if your reading this, do not be ashamed for trying on a new outfit no matter how much you ate. Just make sure you smile and eat pie!
Maya Angelou said “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”. I truly love this quote by Maya Aneglou because it truly represents everything that I am going through with my weight loss journey. All of my life I have always neglected losing weight because I believed that I could always put it on the back burner. I will admit that overtime I did try to lose weight and dedicate myself to the process however an emotional toll would take over me and I would begin to over eat again and never care to try again. So, in the beginning of my semester of graduate school, I made a crucial and life changing decision. I decided that for one year I would put myself first. I started my making a list of things where I was neglecting myself. The three things that I wrote on a post it notes was: my weight, my appearance and my emotional health. Thinking back on when I was trying to work on my weight, I was not doing it for me. I was doing it for others, just so they would leave me alone about it. Each of these three things I work on daily, however this blog entry is specifically about my weight. Here are four things that I am doing to keep me going:
Not looking at the number- this has honestly always been the problem when thinking of my weight loss. I always focused on the number on the scale or the numbers on the treadmill. I was obsessed with those numbers. Now, I am more focused on how I feel and if I am happy. By choosing to not focus on the number, the weight came off easily. I’m still not close, to my ideal weight, but I will not obsess over that number, rather enjoy the journey and gain lifelong habits.
Being ok if I stay- when I tried to lose weight in the past, I would always get upset when I was not fully committed to my process. However, I soon learned that if I did better the next day or hour than I could carry along as before. Mistakes happen. Sometimes set backs are away for you to learn, and develop new habits.
Changed my attitude- along this journey, I have learned that it does not help to be upset when things are not as good as they seem. The best solution is to smile and remind myself that I am still amazing and beautiful. My typical attitude would always have me being sad when things did not go my way. But now, I decided to smile and be happy for the little things. (I still must work on smiling when in public)
Forgiveness-this part has honestly been the hardest because it requires some heart work. For me, forgiveness required me to be at peace with the fact that I will make mistakes and over eat at times or even when I become sad when I do not lose the weight I want. I now understand that no matter how much I mess up, I can still pull through and do better each day.
In conclusion, body happiness is when not only your attitude changes, but you appreciate your body the way it is because the body is beautiful with every stretch mark, layer of fat, with every curve or none. Be appreciative of it and always smile because this is my journey and no one can take that from me.
I meant to publish this blog a few weeks ago, however, this piece was incredibly hard to write. The reasoning being is how does one say goodbye to people who they had great memories with and many laughs with. Also, who at times you loved. How does one part with the smiles that have pushed you for more. I realized you do not say goodbye, rather you say thank you and still hold those people is friends in heart.
Dear Friends in Heart,
I hope if your reading this that you are in good spirits. I am not writing this letter out of hate or frustration. Rather from a place of love and growth. Time has decided that we were not meant to carry on together. Our paths were meant to cross for a reason, however my instincts are telling me that it is time to part ways. Even though I have tried to fight it for some time, it has been inevitable to fight the feeling of letting go. I have truly enjoyed our good moments and have cried over our bad times. But despite it all, I would like to say thank you. Thank you for the lessons that you have provided. Thank you for all the laughs and tears. The tears have taught me how strong I truly am and was truly cleansing for the soul. Thank you for helping me to realize where my true problems were and helped me to realize what they are. Because you helped to uncover my scars, I am in the process of truly healing them. Thank you for helping me to uncover my courage and helping me to reconnect with who I used to be. Also, thank you for teaching me how to protect myself and realize that I had the power in me. Especially, since for so long I believed that someone else was in control and that I could not get my power back. Because of you, I realize my worth. Realizing my worth was the best thing that happened and you are to thank for that. I hold no bad feelings towards you because the pain I felt is gone. I know that some of the pain will linger, however I now have the tools to handle the pain and most importantly the will to heal. But the most valuable feeling that I gained from us parting is learning to love myself. So, my friend in heart, this is not goodbye, rather us maturing and taking different paths. I am grateful for you and you will forever be a friend in my heart.
Sometimes it can be hard to deal with certain things. For me, going through graduate school is not the easiest thing especially after your graduate because you are in a constant change. Some of the changes that we face are adjusting to a new school, developing new habits, moving back home and having to change the way you do your homework for the longest. Even in my personal life I am making a great change because I know that some wonderful things are coming my way. Sometimes people forget to mention why going within can be so hard. The reason that it tends to be harder is because doing soul repair requires for one to dig deeply and pull so much toxicity out and dispose of it properly. Also, people tend to exit your life when things start to elevate with in.
Possibly to some people who are reading this, you may think that going within is incredibly cliché and that me being 22 I have not gained a true understanding of what going deep meant. Well, this 22-year-old has been through a great deal of turmoil and abuse. For the longest time, I have always suppressed it and tried to hide it from other people and just say “I’m ok”, when I knew I was not ok. So, going deep for me was truly an emotional process. Some ways that I went deep within me was getting quiet and just thinking about what was going on. Then one day while scrolling through Facebook, a page that I am following said to go within and pull out the hurt and the pain. The key thing that stood out to me from the message was to forgive myself. I had always heard to forgive the person who hurt you, however not many people say to forgive yourself. Even though this week I went deep within this week, I know this is a lifelong process that must be tended to from time to time to keep the negativity from coming back, but the long-term impact is worth it. So, to everyone, don’t be afraid to sit alone and face your dark side. If you need someone to be there as you face that side, please seek someone out. Just remember the goal is to be our true happiest self.