As I am writing this, I can’t help to be a tad bit
reflective about being in the moment. As my trip is upcoming, I couldn’t help
but to think about my life. Every time I travel something always disrupts a
perfect plan. I want to make a disclaimer I am not hoping for anything bad to
happen, however I will not pretend that nothing bad has ever happened on my
trips. The disruptions on my trip have always helped me grow in more ways than
one. However, whenever those disruptions happen I never let myself feel the
emotions of being upset rather I try to rush through those feelings. For this
trip I am going to allow my emotions to process before I make a decision. I remember once while I was traveling, that I
got incredibly emotional and made a rash decision. Had I allowed myself to
fully think through and allow myself to process what was going on, I probably
would have saved over a $100. I want to
encourage everyone to be in the moment, allow your emotions to process and
Travel Tip For the Week: Be in the moment with your
Earlier this week, I suffered a grave mental break down. I had a paper due and I had not finished it. However, I had no desire to want to finish the paper. I cried and even curled up in a ball and at one point I was rocking back and forth. I honestly was so over whelmed that I wanted to drop out. I cried for most of the night and barely submitted my paper. I know someone reading this is thinking how could she turn in her paper when she seemed so scattered? Well it was not easy. First, I thought of all the people I could call and decided not to call anyone because I knew that many people in my circle would not understand how I felt or they would tell me “I got this” when in reality, I did not. Secondly, I called a depression and anxiety hotline (Note: this is not a paid promotion and the phone number is 1 877-968-8454). I spoke with a woman and she was very kind. I let everything that I was feeling out and I was still crying. I told her I wanted to drop out and she said now was not the time to do that. I must fight the good fight. After she said that I felt a huge relief off my shoulder. Third, I called my old therapist because she told me that I could I just vent on her voicemail and I did. After that phone call, I took a shower and went to bed. Following that phone call, I still did not feel a 100%, and I honestly thought about not going to class the next day.
The next day I went to class and everything was normal. However, I then sat in the bathroom for 45 minutes and just allowed the rain clouds to hoover over me. Following those 45 minutes I decided that I would take it one step at a time and just give my best. I am not saying that I will not have rain clouds over me ever again, however I am not willing to stay that way forever. I want to enjoy life and smile. But from this experience I learned to seek help. No matter if it’s a friend, a hotline your pet and even sitting in the mirror talking through your pain do so. If you’re not ready to talk, as I have not wanted to in the past, I would go for a walk and sit in nature. I know from experience that graduate school is stressful, overwhelming and can cause you to want to quit, but you should push through if the program is a passion of yours. If the program does not fit you nor makes you happy, I would advise taking a break or leaving. My story does end better though, I am taking it one day at a time and not forgetting to smile. I hope you can do so as well and if you need to talk to someone please reach out. We need you here!
Sometimes it can be hard to deal with certain things. For me, going through graduate school is not the easiest thing especially after your graduate because you are in a constant change. Some of the changes that we face are adjusting to a new school, developing new habits, moving back home and having to change the way you do your homework for the longest. Even in my personal life I am making a great change because I know that some wonderful things are coming my way. Sometimes people forget to mention why going within can be so hard. The reason that it tends to be harder is because doing soul repair requires for one to dig deeply and pull so much toxicity out and dispose of it properly. Also, people tend to exit your life when things start to elevate with in.
Possibly to some people who are reading this, you may think that going within is incredibly cliché and that me being 22 I have not gained a true understanding of what going deep meant. Well, this 22-year-old has been through a great deal of turmoil and abuse. For the longest time, I have always suppressed it and tried to hide it from other people and just say “I’m ok”, when I knew I was not ok. So, going deep for me was truly an emotional process. Some ways that I went deep within me was getting quiet and just thinking about what was going on. Then one day while scrolling through Facebook, a page that I am following said to go within and pull out the hurt and the pain. The key thing that stood out to me from the message was to forgive myself. I had always heard to forgive the person who hurt you, however not many people say to forgive yourself. Even though this week I went deep within this week, I know this is a lifelong process that must be tended to from time to time to keep the negativity from coming back, but the long-term impact is worth it. So, to everyone, don’t be afraid to sit alone and face your dark side. If you need someone to be there as you face that side, please seek someone out. Just remember the goal is to be our true happiest self.
I know I was supposed to publish this blog entry two days ago, but I really had a lot on my mind. Since I moved back home, in May, I honestly believed that things would go back to the way they were with one of my friends. I knew that she had made other friends, but I was sure that she would try to include me. And she did, however some of the things she wanted to do was not my cup of tea. For the past two weeks, since starting grad school and being home, it appears that she does not have the time. So, I tried to hang with some of my other friends, however that did not work either. For the past two days I have been trying to understand why I feel the way I do. Trying to understand why I felt unmotivated and had the feeling that I was in a padded room where everyone would check on me occasionally and just do a basic care check. Finally, I admitted to myself that I was feeling lonely. Being in graduate school, not being close to your cohorts (which happens), and not having your close friends with you can make you feel as though you are alone. Earlier this week, I cried myself to sleep. I do not know why I did. All I knew was that I was alone. Very few people in my immediate circle understand the emotional toll it has on someone, especially when that person does not have one person to vent to about it because it’s hard to get the words out. I rarely have the words to express how I’m feeling. I’m like Issa in Insecure, I can rap in the mirror and create scenarios in my mind but when it comes to actually telling people, I am not good at that part.
Life is always about how you react to things. So, I had two choices of how to deal with my loneliness. Either lay in bed and finish binge watching a TV series or go and enjoy life. I choose to go and enjoy life. While being alone sucks, I understand how important it is to do something that truly makes me happy and sometimes while doing those things I will be alone. Even if I start alone and meet someone in this new place that’s good. If I don’t then that’s ok too. But, it has been my experience that sometimes being alone is required for someone to take their lives to the next level, which I agree with. One thing you always hear from people is that true happiness comes from you and if your happy alone then you can be happy with others. I do not disagree with that thought, however its always ok to be sad while being alone. Take the time you need to build yourself back up. It’s a part of life to have things/emotions die inside, but the rebirth of those emotions are always beautiful.