What do you say to the young woman or man who can’t speak? They may or may nor be mute, but their voices have been constantly silenced by society. No matter how many times it appears they try to speak up someone in society tears them down. Then the person goes back in to their ball where the comfort is to cry out what they have been feeling. Then they think of ways of how to disappear and not confront those people. Some people may see it as them being a coward, however I see that person as a reflection of me. So many times, throughout my life my voice has been shut down, and rather than talk I start to cry. The words won’t come out. Even in our minds it says to speak, but the words won’t come out so we cry.
We try not to cry around those we care about, but the tears just fall. They fall as though they have been waiting to be released. The feelings that come with those tears are being released and the feelings with them seem to become calm. But that still leaves me at my lowest point rather than my high. Some days I wish I could just sit down and let out all my feelings without interruptions. But that day is not here, and I do not know to deal with these tears other than to write it out. I wish i had a solution for those of you who may read this. My best advice that I could possibly give someone in this state is to try to hold on, talk to yourself if you have too, but most importantly know your time to speak is coming and when you speak people will remember your name. I will not lie, it is hard for me to follow this advice as well, however i always try my best, which is all that matters. Most important I can hear you.
Earlier this week, I suffered a grave mental break down. I had a paper due and I had not finished it. However, I had no desire to want to finish the paper. I cried and even curled up in a ball and at one point I was rocking back and forth. I honestly was so over whelmed that I wanted to drop out. I cried for most of the night and barely submitted my paper. I know someone reading this is thinking how could she turn in her paper when she seemed so scattered? Well it was not easy. First, I thought of all the people I could call and decided not to call anyone because I knew that many people in my circle would not understand how I felt or they would tell me “I got this” when in reality, I did not. Secondly, I called a depression and anxiety hotline (Note: this is not a paid promotion and the phone number is 1 877-968-8454). I spoke with a woman and she was very kind. I let everything that I was feeling out and I was still crying. I told her I wanted to drop out and she said now was not the time to do that. I must fight the good fight. After she said that I felt a huge relief off my shoulder. Third, I called my old therapist because she told me that I could I just vent on her voicemail and I did. After that phone call, I took a shower and went to bed. Following that phone call, I still did not feel a 100%, and I honestly thought about not going to class the next day.
The next day I went to class and everything was normal. However, I then sat in the bathroom for 45 minutes and just allowed the rain clouds to hoover over me. Following those 45 minutes I decided that I would take it one step at a time and just give my best. I am not saying that I will not have rain clouds over me ever again, however I am not willing to stay that way forever. I want to enjoy life and smile. But from this experience I learned to seek help. No matter if it’s a friend, a hotline your pet and even sitting in the mirror talking through your pain do so. If you’re not ready to talk, as I have not wanted to in the past, I would go for a walk and sit in nature. I know from experience that graduate school is stressful, overwhelming and can cause you to want to quit, but you should push through if the program is a passion of yours. If the program does not fit you nor makes you happy, I would advise taking a break or leaving. My story does end better though, I am taking it one day at a time and not forgetting to smile. I hope you can do so as well and if you need to talk to someone please reach out. We need you here!