This week an old friend of mine reappeared. To many people that may not be significant, however to me it’s usually a test that I always tend to fail. I always fail this test because I always believe that the people from my past often come back to test me to see if I have grown. Then after a few months I realize that I am in the same predicament that I was in during the time we were talking. I always wonder what I did wrong?
When this person returned, a thought from Maya Angelou came to mind; “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”. This old friend has taught me patience, but also showed we that who someone truly cares they won’t leave you, even if you block them. Someone who truly wants to be there will always find a way back to you no matter what. This old friend has seen me at my worst and at my best. We could literally talk about anything. However, we would always get into an argument and just drift apart for a few months. The most recent drift was for almost two years. I think the only reason why I still let this friend come back is not only due to comfort, but because they challenge me like no other. Plus, who they are always makes me feel comfortable, even when they say things that would make me mad beyond words, but the word they spoke would never be things that would make me question how he felt. When he came back I asked him why he came back, he said he just wanted friends. Honestly, I was ok with that. I thought I would want more, however because I am trying to figure things out in my life, I realized its ok to not have expectations when people come back into your life. Never forget the lessons, but just the person run their course. I know some may say to speed them along, but I don’t know how to do that. I am going to let time take its course, take my time during this test and smile.
Recently I was laying in bed on my phone and I was feeling lonely. Then I felt a part of me naturally getting ready to get on a dating site. I have nothing against dating sites however, I have not had the best of luck with them no matter how long I stayed on them, I would always attract men who did not want the same things I wanted. I was looking for something long term, they would claim to be looking for something long term but only desire something for the night.
I stopped myself from downloading the dating site. I even took it a step further by putting a parental control block on my app store because I realized several things about me constantly getting on dating apps and not keeping them long. The main reason was I was only doing this out of boredom. I just wanted someone to talk too, which is not a good reason to create a dating profile. Some may disagree which is fine, but for me my experience has always lead me to attract people who wanted the opposite of what I wanted. I also realized that in the past seven years I have not gone a year without creating a dating profile. I am challenging myself to go one year without creating a dating profile just to see what it would be like. Even though I am an introvert by nature and online dating would be ideal because it allows me to cut off people without having to meet them, it’s hard when some of the men lie to get to meet me. I am not planning on getting into a relationship, but I want to prove to myself that I can fill that void with so much more.
I’m not online dating for a year. I want to challenge anyone reading this to put a parental control on a void filler and smile.
In less than twenty-four hours I am supposed to give a chat to a room of over fifty people. I am honesty not prepared because in true school fashion I have been procrastinating. But I think the reason I am scared to pursue this speaking engagement is because even when I prepare in advance I still do not feel prepared to speak. Speaking for me has been hard because people have always tried to keep me quiet and up until recently that has always worked. When it comes to speaking willingly, it can be hard because when you are used to someone constant silencing you, it’s hard at times to speak up for something that is concerning to you. At least for me it is. However, I have found that when one is passionate about the topic or subject that they are speaking on it can be a bit easier to talk about. I am not 100% sure if talking about something you are passionate about in front of over fifty makes it easier especially if it’s your first speaking engagement.
I always keep in mind when I’m scared one important lesson I have learned throughout my life. That lesson is: sometimes one must operate in fear. Fear can be paralyzing and can sometimes make you want to hide in a corner. However, when you decide to take that jump while your still afraid, it not only gives you a different feeling, it allows you to understand what you are truly capable of. I know many people who will say not to operate in fear, however sometimes that’s what you must do to get to your next level.
If you are reading this entry right now, just know its ok to operate in fear. You will learn several great lessons about yourself and the world. Just remember to smile in the moment. Even if you’re just laughing in the moment can help to release some of the pressure. Doing that can truly put somethings in to perspective.
Please feel free to like and comment if you have ever done something that scared you and how you felt afterwards.