Back Home Blues

I know I was supposed to publish this blog entry two days ago, but I really had a lot on my mind. Since I moved back home, in May, I honestly believed that things would go back to the way they were with one of my friends. I knew that she had made other friends, but I was sure that she would try to include me. And she did, however some of the things she wanted to do was not my cup of tea. For the past two weeks, since starting grad school and being home, it appears that she does not have the time. So, I tried to hang with some of my other friends, however that did not work either. For the past two days I have been trying to understand why I feel the way I do. Trying to understand why I felt unmotivated and had the feeling that I was in a padded room where everyone would check on me occasionally and just do a basic care check. Finally, I admitted to myself that I was feeling lonely. Being in graduate school, not being close to your cohorts (which happens), and not having your close friends with you can make you feel as though you are alone. Earlier this week, I cried myself to sleep. I do not know why I did. All I knew was that I was alone. Very few people in my immediate circle understand the emotional toll it has on someone, especially when that person does not have one person to vent to about it because it’s hard to get the words out. I rarely have the words to express how I’m feeling. I’m like Issa in Insecure, I can rap in the mirror and create scenarios in my mind but when it comes to actually telling people, I am not good at that part.

Life is always about how you react to things. So, I had two choices of how to deal with my loneliness. Either lay in bed and finish binge watching a TV series or go and enjoy life. I choose to go and enjoy life. While being alone sucks, I understand how important it is to do something that truly makes me happy and sometimes while doing those things I will be alone. Even if I start alone and meet someone in this new place that’s good. If I don’t then that’s ok too. But, it has been my experience that sometimes being alone is required for someone to take their lives to the next level, which I agree with. One thing you always hear from people is that true happiness comes from you and if your happy alone then you can be happy with others. I do not disagree with that thought, however its always ok to be sad while being alone. Take the time you need to build yourself back up. It’s a part of life to have things/emotions die inside, but the rebirth of those emotions are always beautiful.

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